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Thursday, January 25, 2007

The Book of the Dead - Dead Beat Gives Instructions for Preparing the Corpse of Writing

Dead Beat has been thinking about the death of writing (see haunting). If our duty as writers is to ultimately end up with a corpse, then we had better know how to prepare one for the afterlife.

And where better to get instructions than from The Book of the Dead.

Dead Beat is particularly intrigued by Mummification since so much of literature it would seem has been poorly mummified. So here then a few basic instructions:

1) Allow for a lengthy process spanning seventy days in some cases (you see too many writers are apt to rush to the finish line ignoring process along the way).

2) Remove all internal organs with one exception, the heart (no comment required).

3) If the body is not already West of the Nile, transport it across (too much writing has failed to make the necessary crossing due to fear and laziness).

4) Extract salt from the river banks and place under the corpse, on the sides, on top, and inside the body cavity to facilitate the process of dehydration (fill the body of your writing with salt - salt I say - nothing else will do).

5) After thirty-five days anoint the body with oil and wrap in fine linen.

6) Don the mask of Anubis and preside over the ceremonies to ensure proper passage into the next realm.

Go ahead folks. You have D.B.'s blessing. Trust me your writing will be the better for it - preserved.

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