If I Did Say What I said, I Didn't Say It

Dead Beat as you know has a passing interest in the use of language. Whenever he needs any help at all you know who he turns to - the great wordsmith himself - that's right Patrick Bartholomew, director of CelticTigerLand.

So at a loss for words yesterday, he enrols in DoubleSpeak 101.

"So P.B. do you have a tax bill arising from the , ah, 'dig-outs'?"

"Now Dead Beat, The position taken by the Revenue is that they can't finalise it until Mahon's work is finished. I mean, that's fine by me. I have no difficulty with that, I have no difficulty with the Revenue position."

"Got you, P.B. Now what did you really mean to say?"

"It is not correct -- if I said so I wasn't correct. I can't recall if I did say it. But I did not say, or if I did say it, I didn't mean to say it, that these issues could not be dealt with until the end of the Mahon Tribunal."

"Got you again. Or maybe I haven't got you, but if I have, I am sure I have you all wrong if that is correct at all."

The Spiritually Bankrupt and The Utterly Tedious

The Stuckists of course are committed not just to painting but to writing also. A few things they have to say:

"There is popular writing known as the blockbuster or airport novel but this is considered trash by the critics. Then there is the writing by pseudo-intellectuals which is very popular with the critics but considered even worse trash by us.

Contemporary writing is cowardly and unchallenging because squalor is tedious not remarkable. If you find yourself in a rubbish bin the only interesting narrative is how to climb out, not how ill you can make yourself by ingesting it.

The writer can only write what he knows about him/her self. To develop as a writer you must develop as a person.

In any period that the writer lives he/she has to say the wrong thing to get it right.

One of the worst things a writer can do is conceive of themselves as a writer whilst writing. The best writing is written by human beings. Besides what kind of an idiot would want to be anything other than a human being? (This is especially true of poetry and poets).

The main advantage of contemporary literature over current established visual art is that it attracts less media attention and is therefore easier to ignore.

On inspection there would appear to be fewer problems with contemporary writing than with contemporary visual arts, but both have the problem of being spiritually bankrupt. (Except poetry, which on the whole has the problem of being utterly tedious).

Last Chance Saloon - The Husband Will do As He's Told

Dead Beat is in mourning.

According to the Vintners Federation of Ireland (VFI), more than 1,000 rural pubs have closed in the last four years. VFI president Paul Stevenson called on publicans to introduce a range of changes, such as providing ethnic food to attract immigrants and turning their premises into internet cafes during the daytime. "I think the day of standing behind your counter expecting customers to come in is finished. The pub is now in the hospitality industry. We have to realise that and move on." He also said that traditional pubs should look into making their function rooms available for dance classes, choir practice and even school homework clubs. It was also in their interest to provide a better range of wines for women because "the female will choose the pub to go to, and the husband will do as he's told."

What's that Mrs. Dead Beat?.... Why yes of course...

Get Stuck In

So Dead Beat is still stuck on Stuckism. Over Christmas he's been reading the Stuckist manifesto for light reading. Charles Thompson even popped in to say "You’re welcome."

Got an hour or two to spare, finished all those Best Novels of the Year, wondering what to read next... Get stuck in.

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Dead Beat has discovered AuthorHouse. It is a tonic - listen: Your Search for a Poetry Publisher is Over.
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Dead Beat is over the moon. He is requesting and completing - stay with me...

A Fully Developed Sense of Humor

End of the year - and everyone is counting up the best of the year. Best Book, Best Film, Best Concert, Best Album, Best Absentee Underwear... Best Who Cares?

Dead Beat is Stuck in Stuckism. Tracy Emin, Damien Hirst, Billy Childish - Ow, they all exclaim. I'm not a Medway Poet. I did not sleep in Tracy's tent (well what the heck, who did sleep - nudge nudge!) Fact is everyone slept. Hirst should be dropped in formaldehyde and exhibited. Emin should be poured over a Christmas Pudding and lit. And as for Billy Childish... let's just expel him from college and admit the Brit Pack is lack-ing. When Kylie Minogue name checks you in her ...album title...it's time to knit yourself out of a relationship...

One purl, one plain, one purl, one plain.

Drink To Your Heart's Desiring

Ceremonies for Christmas
Robert Herrick (1648)

Come, bring with a noise,

My merry, merry boys,

The Christmas log to the firing,

While my good dame, she

Bids ye all be free,

And drink to your heart’s desiring.

With the last year’s brand

Light the new block, and

For good success in his spending,

On your psalteries play,

That sweet luck may

Come while the log is a-teending.

Drink now the strong beer,

Cut the white loaf here,

The while the meat is a-shredding;

For the rare mince-pie,

And the plums stand by,

To fill the paste that’s a kneading.

The Word He Won't Use

Ireland's latest literary..eh..sensation..yeah that's the word... it turns out has a lesser well known Daddy - Patrick Bartholomew who is the Managing Director of the increasingly aging CelticTigerLand. Who would have guessed?

Honest Bert that he is dons his anorak and crocodile tears and wants you to listen: "One of Bertie Ahern's dig-out pals handed him IR£16,500 in cash as he was having a quiet midweek pint in their local pub. Mr Carew told the tribunal yesterday about Mr Ahern's second dig-out, describing the sum as "a few pound".

Mr Carew described how he went to the safe at his pub and produced the folder of cash for Mr Ahern which he said had been gathered in different amounts over a week. "I said to him, 'Bert, the boys and myself want you to have this, a few pound towards a house',"

Mr Carew told the tribunal. He (Mr Ahern) said 'No,' I won't use the word he used and I said to him, 'the boys won't take it back, no feckin' way'," Mr Carew added.

Mr Ahern, he said, put the folder full of cash on the seat beside him and covered it with his coat.

"I said it to Bert a few times that he should get a feckin' house, and he said that he was in the process of saving for it. We decided to throw in a few quid each."

Mr Ahern offered to repay the money on numerous occasions. "He said something like, 'Dermot, I must fix up that few quid with you', but I told him I didn't want it."

Good Old Honest Bert. A few quid. We'll fix it up.

The Tales of Beedle the Bard and Other Great Fatalities

It's got to annoy you:

"LONDON (AFP) - A hand-written book of stories by J.K. Rowling -- the British author's first since the blockbuster Harry Potter series -- sold for 1.95 million pounds (2.71 million euros, 3.97 million dollars) at auction Thursday.

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Auctioneers Sotheby's had thought "The Tales of Beedle the Bard" would fetch up to 50,000 pounds, but amid frantic bidding between a handful of buyers in London, it eventually sold for around 40 times that amount.

"The price achieved today stands as the highest price ever achieved at auction for a modern literary manuscript, an auction record for a work by J.K. Rowling, and an auction record for a children's book," a Sotheby's spokeswoman said in a statement...."

Dead Beat keels over, gasps out his last literary breath, but oh wait...

"...Rowling, 42, watched the auction on the Web from her home in Edinburgh, Scotland, and said she was ecstatic. "This will mean so much to children in desperate need of help," she said in a statement. "It means Christmas has come early to me."

Meanwhile the world of books dies page by page...

Oh and by the way who bought it... that other great literary inspiration... Amazon.Com

Yeah hey, the world is saved.